Hi there and welcome… or welcome back! This blog has been going for quite some time now, so far as how long the site has been up and how many posts have been written. I took a long break from this particuler blog. Now things are changing…
If you are here because you happened to be looking for therapy or coaching, please be aware that some of the older posts are very personal. I work differently than most therapists in that I am very open and tend to disclose. However, some of these older posts were written when I was taking a break from my own counselling career and was also experiencing a mental health crisis.
I’m fine with you knowing this, I’m human, but you might not be okay with it, so do have a think before you scroll!
As for the rest of this website – we are now rebranding, slowly, and we welcome your input. So if you are a sexworker (we specialise in working with professional sexworkers), therapist, coach, healer, someone who has something to say – get in touch and let’s see what we can create!
Matt-at-Lotus (Professional Therapy UK)
‘I want to say something to you – Right Now: I want to tell you that whoever you are, wherever you are from, no matter where on the planet you currently reside, irrelevant of your spiritual/political/religious/social beliefs, inclusive of your gender/sexuality/colour/background and fully embracing of every aspect of yourself that makes you you – You. Are. Loved.
That is All’.
Matt Chase AKA Matt-at-Lotus xXx
PS Have a good look around here at Tales of the Unexpected – the blog designed to get you off the internet – make the most out of my journey, then go out there in the real world and make someone happy – give them a hug🙂 .
Another way to help you to last longer, again a more practical and ‘mechanical’ way to prolong sex/masturbation and to delay ejaculation, is to use the technique we talked about in Part1 but in a slightly different way:
The next time you go for a pee, stop yourself mid-stream by squeezing the perineum muscle. Notice how this feels and also how it affects the penis (it will move slightly and shrink back). Understand how you are controlling this.
After you have done this: the next time you masturbate do the same thing, stop wanking, pull the muscle up and notice how your penis moves and behaves in response to you controlling it.
Now you can leave the above exercise as it is (and if you are currently experiencing premature ejaculation, I would recommend that you do leave it at that – see where the above exercise can help you) or you can evolve it into the reason you came here in the first place:
Keep squeezing that muscle and touching your penis, keeping it erect with stimulation. With your other hand – place your thumb at the base of your penis whilst cupping your balls with the four fingers – gently. Tap the glans softly with the hand that is stimulating. Feel that energy build up in your genitals and your groin.
Keep squeezing the muscle in a pumping motion or maintain the tautness, either is fine.
Keeping your hands on your genitals, relax back and lie down (if you are not already). Exhale sharply and groan if you feel the need.
Continue squeezing the muscle and stimulating your genitals.
You may notice a tingling starting at the top of your head in the centre.
Continue to relax, groan and allow that heat to rise up your body from the genitals (and the root chakra, if you know about such things. If not – who cares anyway) and then very very slowly, release the genitals and allow your hands to naturally wonder over your body to wherever they want to be.
Enjoy yourself and do whatever you need right now.
Until Next Time and with Multiple Orgasms,
NB: Whenever you have finished – any of the practices/exercise mentioned – it is important to ground yourself. By this I mean that the energy you are working with is very powerful and as such needs to be ‘rooted’ down into the earth. Simply put – when we are stressed and too busy we can run around like headless chickens and can literally feel light headed. To prevent this: Stamp your feet in a ‘heavy’ motion as if lead weights are attached to them. Visualise roots literally growing from the soles of your feet and deep into the earth and/or stand with your back against a tree – get out in nature etc. If this usually isn’t your thing – PLEASE do humour me on this one, it will enhance your practice and keep it safely managed for you. Enjoy…
So in addition to what you have already learned, here are a few more practical tips to help you to last longer. These tips are more widely known and often used by sex therapists to help guys manage premature ejaculation. I have chosen to save these until now because whilst very helpful and effective for practical use – used alone they are not the most effective techniques in encouraging that multiple orgasm.
Lasting Longer Starts at Home:
It also starts alone: I advise this technique always be experimented with alone first, especially if you are using it to combat premature ejaculation which is often associated with ‘exposure’ and confidence issues.
Thus – gaining confidence on your own is a GREAT way to beat this (or just a great way to teach your body to last longer, always a welcome bonus).
First take your time to introduce yourself to your body. Yes this sounds incredibly odd but please humour me on this one – introduce yourself to yourself as you would introduce yourself to a lover. IE: take it easy with yourself, dim the lights, make yourself a nice meal, make sure you’ve got clean sheets on the bed etc.
Follow my ‘How to Masturbate’ series for tips on the above before going any further.
Now: get naked as slowly and sensually as you like. It’s usually best to lie down on the bed and make yourself as comfortable as possible. Take nice deep breaths and remind yourself that this is a relaxing activity.
Masturbate in order to get an erection. Stop as soon as you are hard and squeeze the end of the penis as so:
Hold your two fingers to the right of the glans, with your thumb on top of the penis just below the ridge. Squeeze firmly but not too hard.
Continue to masturbate at intervals. Stop way way before you feel the need to cum and hold the penis as above.
I would suggest that you make this exercise last at least five minutes on the first day. Then you can extend it by a few minutes each time you do it. You may choose to cum or not to cum…
…that, is the question…
More on this tomorrow,
And here’s one I made earlier…
Okay so this further ‘How to’ series is a connected follow-on to the ‘How to Masturbate’ series with more specific information in response to private emails and questions I have received. The How to Masturbate series will continue soon, by the way.
Now: how long do your orgasms last? More importantly, how long do you want them to last?
This is particularly of relevance to men, simply because women’s bodies (usually) are geared up for longer lasting pleasure than men’s bodies. Women’s bodies are also more easily wired for multiple/body orgasms than men’s bodies. There are differing theories on this that I won’t go into here. What I will go into here is this very important fact: MEN CAN HAVE MULTIPLE ORGASMS TOO – YES THEY CAN.
Now ladies, this post isn’t specifically for men so do please stick around and please note that most if not all of my posts are for both genders (this post can help you to understand your male partners, if you are straight or bisexual. It can also be helpful to know anyway, because there is always a cross-over between the sexes). If you happen to be transgendered please do get in touch and let me know if my posts are not relevant to you – give me some tips – and I will be sure to include information that takes your needs into account. Now…. let us look at how to make that orgasm last a lifetime…
…or longer than a minute at least.
PRACTICAL TIPS IN PREPARATION:
Firstly it would be helpful to follow my How to Masturbate tips to get you in the mood and out of your genitals (this encourages a more wholistic orgasm). Then you can prepare your energy system and body by doing the following:
Play with yourself until erect. Stimulate your nipples with a wet finger, do the same with your ears – yes, ears – and with your other hand maintain contact with your genitals. This contact can be light or a little harder, make sure to include your balls, the groin, base of penis and of course the glans of the penis. Experiment between lighter strokes of the shaft to full-on ‘wanking’. Notice the difference in the rest of your body when you do this.
Experiment with this and this alone for ten to fifteen minutes.
Now: take your hand or hands off your genitals completely and concentrate solely on your nipples/ears/inner elbows/armpits/sternum/mouth/earlobes/throat chakra (soft spot between collar bones) and stroke yourself in a flowing up and down motion along your chest and torso.
Experiment with this and this alone for ten or so minutes.
By now you should be pretty hot under the collar and your heart rate racing. You will now feel the urge to ejaculate. Please don’t.
This is where we harness that sexual energy and this is also where, if you’re new to this, you may struggle.
Masturbate until you get a full strength erection (if you don’t have one already, if you do, do nothing until the next step).
Next Step: now squeeze your perineum muscle (the area slap bang between your arse and balls) and maintain that tautness. This will feel like you are stopping yourself peeing. If you cannot isolate the perineum at this point – pull the lot up (that is: squeeze the ass muscle, perineum, groin) until you are more adept at identifying the specific muscle.
Whilst squeezing the muscle, hold your entire hand around your erect penis to add a little stimulation (as if wanking but don’t move your hand, squeeze instead). This should feel pretty good. The aim here is to ‘lock in’ the sexual energy rather than release it. At this point most men will want to finish the job. That is up to you but if you really want that elusive male multiple orgasm…..
Release your hands but maintain the squeeze in the perineum. Lie back on your bed or chair – it doesn’t matter which – and again start to stimulate your nipples, ears etc, just for a few minutes.
Now: relax everything. Take a deep cleansing breath and make a ‘huh’ noise on your exhalation (if you are a gym goer/weight lifter, exhale as if lifting free weights).
Place the tip of your tongue on your top palette, just behind the front teeth and relax your jaw.
Stamp your feet. It may sound odd but go with it. If you feel a giggle coming up – go with it. If you feel angry – go with it. If you want to wank again – think twice and try the stamping again.
Ideally what you will do now is abstain from masturbation for three days. When you do masturbate (or have sex, but really it is best to do it alone at first) try approaching it as above and really make a meal of it.
I don’t want you to spend the next few days feeling frustrated and light headed (this can happen) so if you really, really do need to ejaculate then go ahead. Just note that working in this way is accumulative and each time you do this – whether you decide to ejaculate or not – your body is learning how to ‘hold fast’ that sexual energy (which is why it is ideal to not ejaculate at all, but you’re human so don’t beat yourself up).
Allow me to give you a practical example in order to spur you on….
A client of mine emailed me a week following receiving one of my Sexual Massages to say that he was having multiple orgasms on trains and buses since the massage. This is relatively common for women, not men.
What had happened?
During the massage he had been stimulated just as the above technique describes. When his ears were touched, his feet began twitching and vibrating. As I tapped on his throat chakra, he spontaneously let out a shriek and his entire body twitched and convulsed until he reached orgasm which lasted several minutes without ejaculation (a body orgasm or ‘dry orgasm’).
What happened here and the reason for the gent’s continued sensitivity to vibration (which settled down after a while and became more manageable) was simply that he had paid attention to the wholistic nature of his body as a sexual organ. Yes – I know what I’m doing with sexual energy and so could help him to ‘switch on’ the power, but this client was particularly sensitive (I could have done the same with a less sensitive client and nothing would have happened) so as soon as the opportunity arose – BANG! Happy days…
How long have you been waiting for your body to say BANG to you?
Maybe now is the time to treat yourself to that wholistic orgasm and maybe the above techniques can help you to achieve that.
Go forth and enjoy yourself….
Prior to the recent series on Sex, Relationships and Masturbation, the last time we talked about sex on this blog, was way way way back in April 2013 and the response was pretty good as responses go and I remember being surprised at the comments (as in – that post had more comments than my blog had ever received) and then amused/disappointed in equal proportions when several of those commentators emailed me privately to ask me to remove their comments because they had had second thoughts. They felt exposed. This I understood but I couldn’t help but wonder why this felt like more of an exposure than, say, commenting on fear, sensitivity, loss or positive thinking – all issues I have discussed here on Tales of the Unexpected.
Hmmm: and then I stopped posting about sex. That was the first and, for quite some time, the last. Had I unconsciously plugged myself into the hesitance? Did I also share those feelings of being exposed? Too exposed?
Do you know – I think I did. Looking back now I think I feared that I would lose followers, be judged, dismissed and maybe I also thought talking about sex would open the floodgates to a sea of negativity and shame.
Can you see what I am doing here?
What I have done here is looked at my own reaction to other people’s reactions. In doing this – I have exposed not only my own process but also the healing of that process – in letting it out I have enabled myself to talk about a subject we all often avoid. A subject that does – consciously or unconsciously – carry a great deal of shame.
This is absolutely ridiculous.
Sex, sexuality, intimacy, love, lust, hedonism, kink, fetish #nameyourpleasurehere# are all doorways into the same beautiful home where shame has no place. We all have a desire to be with someone. Even those who identify as asexual have often expressed a need to be with another human being. This need may not be understood by the sexual, but the asexual have many times tried to describe how that pining to share their life with someone feels to them.
How does it feel to you?
What does sex and sexuality mean to you?
How does sex, love and pleasure play a part in your life?
Me – I can’t keep my hands off it. I pleasure myself at every opportunity I get. Now when I say ‘it’ you of course think I am referring to my man downstairs. Yes, in part. Actually, it’s more than that. Sex is for me a wholistic, mindful and connected experience. I have sexual interactions with so many people in my daily activities. It depends on your definition of sex.
I want to open the floodgates. The floodgates in question are not about negativity, they are about abundance. An abundance of energy that can only be created after a build-up of fluid – would you like to contribute? You are all welcome here.
Think about a dam. Imagine the walls of water behind that dam. They have been pushed up against that wall of concrete for far too long.
And as a fellow blogger said in ‘Sexuality and the Great British Public’….
‘Let it rip’….
I am about to let rip, how about you?
I know. I do think of the strangest titles for my posts, although at least it grabbed your attention…. Mature content to follow….
The sexual energy is housed within the perineum or ‘Root Chakra’. We need this energy to circulate around the body freely, travelling up the spine, around the brain and down the arms, through the palms of the hands and so on.
This is needed in our everyday lives – not just when we are having sex.
You can probably feel it awakening now, reading this. You will most probably feel a tingle at the top of your head, a rush down your arms and maybe even a heat in your groin. This is your body responding to my words, the sexual energy resonating with the energy of my intentions as I share this knowledge with you.
When the energy stops flowing and/or if there is a blockage preventing full movement of energy, this causes obvious sexual symptoms – loss of sexual appetite, impotence, dryness, frustration, premature ejaculation, inability to reach climax etc. It also causes a more physical build up of blood in the anus due to the lack of movement. The stagnant sexual energy has, quite simply, resulted in stagnancy in the blood circulation and this combined with vascular weakness/valve failure – causes piles (haemorrhoids).
Stand with your feet hip-distance apart, knees softened, limbs relaxed. Imagine a chord pulling you upright (keeping knees soft) from the centre of the top of your head. Relax your jaw and close your eyes.
Now curl your toes under as if digging them into the ground. Now ‘pull up’ your anus and perineum. If you cannot maintain this tension (eventually, with practice, you will) just keep squeezing and pulling up. This will feel like a ‘pumping’ sensation. To maintain the squeeze is preferable, but pumping will do.
Now you will probably feel a heat from your perineum/anus rising up the spine. This is the stagnant sexual energy and you are now waking this up, drawing it up the spine.
Can you feel that heat?
Now visualise that you are THROWING this up and out of the top of your head – DRAMATICALLY. Throw it up in the air and let it disappear. Keep that tension in your perineum/anus and keep bringing that energy up the spine and throwing it out of the top of your head.
Relax your toes but maintain the anal tension. Continue to throw the energy up and out.
Now relax everything but stay upright. That completes the practice, but:
Now VERY IMPORTANT – Ground Yourself: Stamp your feet, shout, scream and then return to the initial knees-soft standing posture (WITHOUT tensing toes or anus) and visualise roots growing out of the soles of your feet. You might even want to go outside and do it or stand with your back against a tree and do it. A great way to ground your energy.
You will notice within a few days (even hours if you are particularly sensitive to energy) that the haemorrhoids begin to shrink and feel more comfortable. This does not mean to say that allopathic creams and treatment won’t help or aren’t necessary – try both.
What this does mean is that you have made the connection between your body, your mind and your sexuality. On top of this (pun intended) you can of course masturbate to release the frustration but once the sexual energy has stagnated and separated, masturbation can, at times, confound the problem. The practice is designed to re-connect the energy by bringing it back into a state of movement.*
So I’d do this practice first (thanks to my Teacher for this – you know who you are) and then masturbate to your heart’s content.
Happy To help and Give Me A Shout If I Can Be Of Further Assistance….
NB: Please read the disclaimer on this site and note that this is not in replacement of medical attention and this post makes no promises of a medical, therapeutic nature.
*Energy is information. It may sound confusing but roll with it – there will be a reason that you became frustrated. There will be a root cause for the separation and blockage. Thus – stimulating your sexual energy in this way and bringing it back into the body and, quite literally, into the brain – will bring to the fore issues that caused the block in the first place. If you know they are there (IE: My partner left me therefore I thought ‘That’s it then, no sex for me!’) it may come as no surprise and the re-connection will bring welcome relief. If there are deeper, hidden issues, you may get a shock (bad dreams, blocked memories returning etc) and thus I recommend seeking professional advice prior to attempting the practice.
Tonight I am supposed to be at my new job but I appear to be here, at my computer writing this blog post. My hands are warm, my crown (at the top of my head) is tingling, my chest feels open and my feet are pulsating with energy. This morning, before I called in sick for my new job (which now appears to be my old job even before it had begun) my feet were frozen, my chest was tight, hands cold, crown dead, kidneys so painful I was considering going to the doctors for some antibiotics and my anxiety levels were a seven out of ten.
What was going on?
I had made the wrong choices and my body was shouting at me so that I would listen to it.
I listened. I dropped the ‘shit but I need the money’ I left behind my childhood dream of working in the spotlight (an aspect of the new/old job) and immediately upon cancelling my shift – I felt healthy again.
Our bodies are the only link we have to that part of ourselves that knows exactly what we need to be doing and when we need to be doing it. When we disembody, that link disconnects and thus we not only become mentally confused but we can experience all kinds of genuine physical and medical problems. Our system has malfunctioned. What do we do with a crashing computer? We re-boot it.
I feel better.
Now…. listening to your body has other benefits and considering that some posts of late have been about sex and sexuality, this would be a great opportunity for me to link this all together but I’m not going to. You already did that, just a moment ago – did you feel it?
Until Next Time,
Just a note in addition to the post footnotes and site disclaimer:
Whilst the sexual practices described in the series on How to Masturbate, Sexuality and Relationships and the forthcoming series on Prolonging Orgasm are, of course, primarily very enjoyable, please do note that playing with the sexual energy does involve awakening an aspect of your sexual energy and thus your energy system that you may not be used to.
The grounding methods that I have previously described in other posts will be very helpful in keeping these sexual practices fun and safe. Even if what I am saying to you with regard to ‘grounding’ and ‘energy’ is alien – just humour me and do the following exercise before and after your sexual exploration:
- Stamp your feet, imagining that you are sending ‘stuff’ you don’t need out into the ground on each stamp
- Slap your hands palm down on a cushion two to three times, again imagining that you are getting rid of ‘stuff’ on each slap
- Stand with your feet firmly on the floor, knees soft, body upright
- Imagine a chord pulling you upright from the centre of your head on the in-breath
- Visualise roots literally growing from the soles of your feet and going deep into the ground on each out-breath
- Stamp your feet again
- Begin the sexual practices
If you are physically challenged, an amputee etc:
- Do any of the above exercises that your body will allow and/or:
- Visualise the exercises above and/or
- Sit upright in your chair
- Imagine a chord pulling you skyward from the centre of your head on the in-breath
- On the out-breath visualise a grounding chord going from your perineum and down into the ground
- Begin the sexual practices (alone or with a friend/pa/professional sex worker doing the ‘hands-on’ aspects for you)
Once you incorporate any of the above exercises into your daily routine you will not only notice added benefits to your sexual practices and exploration but you will also see that this benefits other aspects of your life. These exercises can enable you to be more grounded in your day to day activities and thus the benefits can be…. life enhancing.
Until Next Time,
One of the many ways to sexual Nirvana is to receive a sexual massage. This erotic experience is often incorrectly called a ‘Tantric Massage’ which does not actually exist. The name was made up to make it sound more spiritual. Call it what you wish but personally I prefer the ‘it does what it says on the tin’ approach and call it a sexual massage because, er, that’s what it is!
Receiving a Sexual Massage:
I believe the most effective and enjoyable way to receive a sexual massage is by preparing yourself the same way you would when you are about to masturbate and/or make love (to yourself or to another): Set the Scene, Explore and Explore Some More. Then you can go to town.
A sexual massage can be delivered by your loved one, a one-night lover who is up for it or a professional practitioner in sexual massage. Personally I prefer to approach this in the same way I would masturbation – by not diving straight into the genitals. This enhances the wholistic aspects of the massage and, eventually, results in a longer lasting and more intense orgasm. A good, grounded and professional sexual massage therapist will know this – choose wisely and use your discernment.
The Problem With The Massage Industry:
Very few people have even thought about approaching a professional for a sexual massage. Part of the problem here is that many sexual massage practitioners can’t mention what it is they are providing because the mainstream advertising platforms they use will not allow it. Thus they have to hint, calling it ‘sensual’ or ‘undraped’ etc. This is not a great energy to be getting involved with, in my opinion, because already you are opening your energy system (and body) to dishonesty. This is why I also have an issue with ‘Tantric’ Massage Practitioners, because again it’s a dishonest (and believe me – they know it) approach to their work. Sometime ago I actually called a ‘Tantric’ Practitioner because I was convinced my view was caused by my prejudice, so I wanted to discuss this with a very well known ‘Tantric’ Practitioner. When I came off the phone I was sure that, yes I had a prejudice, but that also, it was quite correct in that the experienced ‘Tantric’ Practitioner I spoke to was blatantly deluded. Using terms such as: ‘There are many ways to achieve enlightenment, I choose Tantra’ and: ‘Tantra is about sacred sexuality’ and ‘of course this is what we call ‘Neo Tantra’’ And that was then he shot himself in the foot ‘this is what we call’ AKA – we made the name up.
Want to know about genuine Tantra? Look up Chogyam Trungpa and read his many books on the subject. Not for the faint of heart – this is hardcore spiritual development. You have been warned. But back to sexual massage…..
It’s very taboo in the industry that trains professional massage therapists (non-sexual) because the sexual aspects (and even if you are a non-sexual therapist, there are sexual aspects to your work) are completely overlooked from fear of ‘getting a bad name’. The problem with this is that non-sexual practitioners distance themselves from both their own and their client’s sexual energy which can cause a dissociation both energetically and emotionally. I remember when I was training in non-sexual massage, a female student asked the tutor ‘What do we do if the client gets an erection?’ and the tutor, scarlet faced, snapped: ‘Just ignore it’. When the same occurred when I was working as a massage therapist, I did the opposite: “Don’t worry mate, it’s a natural response” I would say, then usually introduce humour: “And yeah, I know I’m hot!” which would not only diffuse the pent-up sexual energy (by using laughter as the release) but also gave the client permission – to be human. Ignore the occurrence – you have ignored their sexuality.
The flip side is experienced by sexual massage practitioners who overlook the therapeutic aspects – going straight for the genitals/sexual points and thus the client misses out on a good deep tissue massage – which, ironically, increases sexual sensitivity by its very nature (increasing blood supply to the skin, relaxing the nervous system etc).
Sexual massage is fantastic and a bona fide professional treatment (think – Treat-ment because you’re worth it). It is also a great way to explore your partner’s body and for them to explore yours. It has many physical, hormonal, psychological, sexual and emotional benefits. You could, if you were so inclined, say that it potentially has spiritual benefits in that it brings two souls together in intimacy and love. Personally, I don’t mess with that, I just work as honestly as I can, providing the best service possible and having one hell of a good time in the process…
Enjoy Your Body,