Skip to content

Close To The Edge – Still HERE.

February 17, 2013

This is a REALLY difficult blog entry to write.

I am going through a very, very and yep I am gonna throw another one in – VERY tough time financially and have been the closest to ‘the edge’ that I have been in many many years.

I just had a close shave with death.

I avoided blogging. I will probably continue to avoid it because I am struggling with my creativity but why did I avoid telling you all what was going on?

Because I was terrified of being ‘exposed’.

I pride myself on being transparent in my work, my relationships – my life – and yet sure, I often still experience that deep seated fear that if people see ‘the real me’ they will abandon me in droves and not listen to the importance of what I am saying.

Well I just pushed past that fear and I congratulate myself. Here I am! Hello world! I FEEL LIKE CRAP – Please help me!

I have learned LOTS over the last two weeks and will try to break it into neatish blocks for you over the next few posts but what is ringing really loud in my ear right now is this:

Sometimes we need PRACTICAL help – NOT spiritual mumbo jumbo. Chogyam Trungpa, a Buddhist Rinpoche, calls the ‘Love and Light’ mentality – ‘Spiritual Materialism’ – it is a false sense of Spirituality. I will give you an example:

Last week I ran out of money. I also ran out of food. When I say ‘ran out’ I mean that I had absolutely NOTHING. A dear friend who shares this Spiritual Path with me sent a lovely email wishing me well and ‘sending love and light’ which was great and lovely to receive. Another friend, who also is struggling financially and has for a very long time – put Β£10 in my bank account and gave me the number for a local food bank.

Which act was the most Spiritual?

Well at the risk of sounding arrogant – I will tell you – The tenner in my bank account (THANK YOU AND BOY DID I ENJOY THAT SPAGHETTI BOLOGNESE I MADE WITH THE INGREDIENTS YOU ENABLED ME TO BUY) and the telephone number that could help me to prevent malnutrition. No, I am not being dramatic – this simply is what it is and is happening the world over – in the UK food banks have doubled in the last year alone. I am lucky, I know this is a temporary blip, but for some it is a way of life.

HH the Dalai Lama was once asked by a very wealthy family for a Buddhist Blessing. He refused, saying:

‘Buddhist blessing no good if you don’t bring Buddhist blessing through hands, work hard and help your fellow sentient beings. You already have everything you need. I cannot help you’.

This is exactly what I have just experienced. I hope this resonates with you and that you understand that I am NOT committing this to ‘paper’ in order to make you feel sorry for me (‘this too shall pass’) or in order to feed the negativity. Nope – I am sharing this with you because I want to.

haha yep – it really is that simple!

How brave am I!!

Now – one final thing for you before I drift off into another learning curve for a while – I LOVE YOU.

Now, I have said this before – but this time I REALLY want you to feel it. The Buddhists believe that we all must have our hearts broken at least once – why? – because then and only then can our hearts OPEN and then and only then can we truly love. This love is unconditional, all encompassing and compassionate.

My heart is open.

So feel it.

Sense that tingle at the top of your head, trickling down your spine into your legs and down into your feet. Allow that sense of tightness in your chest to soften. Let me in.

You are not alone in this world. We were meant to be interdependent – this is true. We are supposed to be leaning on each other. So lean my dear friend, lean.

Until Next Time,

Matt Chase International.

  1. Your honesty is amazing!! Keep pushing through. You deserve to live abundantly, and you will. Thank you so much for sharing this important chapter in your story.

  2. You are super brave to have written this and admit what you’re going through!
    It doesnt make you a horrible person what you’re going through, it doesnt make you weak in our perspective, it only makes you stronger!

    Having faith is definitely something you have to have but i also believe that faith should be shown by the way you act more than the way you say, and if i were your friend you wouldnt go a day without food in your tummy!

    You’ll pass through this and you have alot of people who care and love you

    A stranger who wishes you the best!

    • Hi you and THANK YOU for your heartfelt and much needed support. I am hanging on by the skin of my teeth – I agree that we need to have faith in our actions as well as our words – and I am actually wondering if I have really done this. Great lessons.

      Painful, frightening, but great.

      Bless you πŸ™‚


  3. How are you going Matt?

    • Hi Julie – taking DEEP breaths as my emotions are up and down like yo-yo’s but today is a good day. Nice to have the reprieve for a while. How are you?

  4. I hope things get better for you soon and that you find the path to the life you should be living, doing what you would like to do most.

    • Bless you and your heart :-). I can see the path… I am stepping onto the path… just need the gate to open that sits straight in front of me πŸ™‚ xx

  5. Great post.

Trackbacks & Pingbacks

  1. Reality Blog Award! | Pondering Spawned
  2. Something Is Happening. I Know Not What. | Matt Chase International
  3. What We Need (and what happens when we don’t get it) | Matt Chase International
  4. It Doesn’t Take Much | Matt Chase International
  5. The Reality Blog Award – Nominated – Thank You :-) | Matt Chase International
  6. When People Mean Well | Matt Chase International
  7. Exorcising Your Demons | Matt Chase International
  8. Exorcising Your Demons | Matt Chase International
  9. When Fixers Can’t Fix | Matt Chase International
  10. Screw Business As Usual | Matt Chase International
  11. I’m A Boomerang – Are You? | Matt Chase International
  12. The Stigma of Mental Health | Matt Chase
  13. The Smoking Gun | Pondering Spawned
  14. Old Habits | Matt Chase, Author
  15. The Smoking Gun | Matt Chase, Author
  16. Close to the Edge – Still Here | Tales of the Unexpected...

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s


Smile! You’re at the best site ever

Rambling with "Crazy A"

Adventures around the country and around the world.


My life and journey to my next 100 mile race.

Interesting Literature

A Library of Literary Interestingness


Poetry of the Soul

The Doctor's Couch

Hiatus: Time off.

Immature Fruit

Poetry, Travels, Sketches, Writings and a Sip of Inspiration with Passion.

A Holistic Journey

Finding my way back out of motherhood -- while mothering

The Periphrastic Mind Of A Liberal Arts Major

Gotta Find a Home

Conversations with Street People

Shawn L. Bird

Original poetry, commentary, and fiction. All copyrights reserved.

Pearlz Dreaming

Author and Creative June Perkins

Sips of Jen and Tonic

Writing that's straight up with a twist

%d bloggers like this: