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Who You See – Isn’t Who I Am

May 2, 2013

I was having CBT today (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, not the other CBT :-)) and the therapist described me as someone who: “Doesn’t stay down for long, looks at things differently, I can’t imagine you ever being beaten by anything… looking at this (Homework I had done on thought/behaviour management).. you are doing everything right’.

He was responding to his perception of my personality and in response to me expressing the anxiety I was feeling at the time, the pressures I am under regarding finding housing/affording rent, potentially being evicted from my current home etc. He went on to wonder: ‘What can I actually do to help you? You know all this’.  (I’m a trained Psychotherapist).

This was my response:

“I am putting on a show for you. I am acting. Inside I am crumbling, it’s a habit to put on a mask”. What I didn’t say was: ‘It’s your job to see beyond the mask, but I should have. I continued: ‘And besides, we all need to be reminded sometimes what is good for us, I have a very poor support network and so although most of my problems are practical, I need someone to lean on emotionally to help me through this’. I shouldn’t have needed to explain this, I am lucky that I am constantly aware of  ‘the observer’ but the result was spectacular – He got it.

In my life – this is rare.

How is this in your life?

Six weeks ago I was so overwhelmed that I literally lost the plot. I rocked like a baby, mumbled like a patient in a mental health unit – I was burnt to a frazzle.


The observer was saying : ‘This isn’t normal behaviour. I must be really sick’.

The observer is a constant presence… always aware.. always wise – always sane.

I am not who I appear to be.

Or am I?

Ayer Asher Ayer  (I Am That I Am)

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