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What If?

November 7, 2013

I just had this thought. This horrible, unthinkable thought: what if… No, I can’t tell you, it’s too horrid for words… but what if, no still can’t do it.

Last night I lay in bed with this palpable feeling of being alone. Aloneness and loneliness co-existed within the Spartan walls of my Housing Association flat, upon the dusty surfaces of the 70’s storage heaters – inside of me. Loneliness isn’t a fresh experience, in fact it has accompanied me from my youth, but when carrying this dreadful unthinkable thought it became intolerable.

Oftentimes, whether I am happy or sad, rich or poor, sane or insane, I talk to Someone. Now this Someone cannot be seen but I know that this Someone is there. I do not refer to this Someone as God because I do not necessarily believe in one God, creator of all things. I do however believe in the Someone with whom I converse on a daily basis. I say ‘Thank you’ when friends save me from my own stupidity. I ask this Someone to go with haste to the aid of friends or strangers in need. I scream for help to this Someone when I am fearful and alone.

But then I had this thought. The thought I cannot tell you about for surely you will leave me too and then I will be completely alone. If I truly share this thought with you then I will be exposing my authentic inner self – my fears, my dreams and maybe even revealing the truth about life. But I have to do it. I am driven to do it. I must share it.

What if… There is no-one there.

What if… this Someone is just a figment of my imagination and what if I have simply been talking to myself.

I’ll leave that one with you.

Matt 😉

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