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Blind Faith

November 9, 2013

Faith is blind by its very nature. To believe in something you cannot see is faith. It could also be described as delusion but this is a risk that we must take. Talking to an unseen force could be lunacy – or unshakable faith. Either way, if it gets me through a long and lonely night, who cares?

I do.

I question my faith. Right now, here, with you – I question my faith. I am questioning just who it is that I talk to in my evening prayers. In this moment, as I write this to you now, I am wondering if the more I invite this force into my life – the more I suffer.

A few days ago I became very, very low and was hungry from lack of food. As I sat on the edge of my bed I glanced over at the shrine I have made using an old table and some orange cloth. As soon as I made eye contact with the statue of Buddha I became enraged. So enraged was I that I punched Buddha (ouch) and threw Him across the room. I then flew into a rage, smashing crystals against the wall and condemning the rest of the shrine and spiritual implements to the ground with one fell swoop of my arm across the table. As the shrine was flung in many directions I screamed: ‘What’s the f****** point!?’

It has to be said. This absolutely definitely needs to be said: since I started (knowingly) my spiritual journey back in 1995 life does seem to have been one looooong ‘Dark Night of the Soul’. I am exhausted and battle fatigued. I am also very, very angry.

Now let me tell you what Buddha had to say about this outburst. After my tantrum and immediately following being consumed by remorse, I did of course oh so gently recover the now slightly cracked Buddha from the floor. Gazing down and into His face, as I held Him in my shaking hands all I saw was stillness. I giggled at His presence and marvelled at His compassionate smile. I know it’s a statue, just a statue, but I have to say – I saw love in His eyes.

Later that day I text a friend to tell her that I had thrown Buddha across the room. Charlotte is a Yoga teacher and tends to ‘get’ this kind of thing. Charlotte replied: ‘I bet he was thinking: ‘Come on then! Is that all you got?!’’

Why am I telling you all this? I have no idea why I am telling you all this except to say, as I round things off:

Be as honourable to your Anger as to your Joy, for both are equal in splendour.

With So Much Love,

Matt Chase xx

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