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Changing Habits… This Seems Like A Theme!

November 15, 2013

Yes, there appears to be a theme emerging from this blog – Old Habits. I guess we all have what is often termed, in therapeutic circles, ‘Repetitive patterns of behaviour’. These are just old habits. I was chatting via email to a fellow blogger the other day about how we both had supported our Mothers emotionally whilst we were growing up. We were seen to be and expected to be the strong presence in our Mothers’ lives. I know for me that, through no fault of my Mum, I had kinda been left with the fallout following her violent relationship with her first husband, swiftly followed by the death of her second husband – after only three weeks of marriage – and the following years of deteriorating physical health. These had devastating effects for her and of course for me. I had to grow up very, very quickly and as such this not only resulted in me becoming the parent, as opposed to the child, but also caused me to feel alienated from my peers because I saw everything so differently – from the perspective of an aware adult.

Fast forward to now:

I still, even now, feel guilty when I am out and about. I could be taking leisure time in a Cafe, out with friends, dancing ‘til dawn – but still I have a sense of guilt. Why? Because the old habit is still expecting that call back home where my Mum needs me, the old habit is laying in wait for the schoolyard bullies to pounce on my moment of mindless fun, just when I forget that I can enjoy myself for that is always when it happens. The old habit is a tricky customer, he knows when I am at my most vulnerable. No wonder I avoid being vulnerable.

Actually – I don’t.

I no longer avoid being raw because I was given no option back in April when I lost the plot (which turned out to be finding the plot, of course) and since then I have realised that I can actually shift this guilt, this meaningless guilt, when I am open and vulnerable enough to feel it because when I am open and vulnerable enough to feel it – I can far more easily analyse it and check its identity as a friend or foe. The old habit is simply that – outdated. Goodbye to you old habit, I am enjoying myself right now and Mum, God rest her, will of course not be calling because she no longer needs me. The schoolyard bullies will not be punching because I am a forty year old man who does Taekwon Do! That old habit is now, thankfully, just an illusion and as false as the reflection of the moonlight on water – push your hand through the illusion and it is sure to disappear.

Until Next Time,

 

Matt xx

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