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More About Disconnection

January 24, 2014

Remember my post about Disconnected Connections? Remember that I was unsure as to whether it was just me experiencing this? Well I may or may not have articulated well enough that for many years – maybe even my whole life – I have felt as if I am on the perimeter of other people’s lives: social: family: romantic: married: business: creative. It’s as if they already have their social: family: romantic: married: business: creative networks and here I am, desperately trying to be a part of them and for a while I am – then BOOM! I am cast aside because, quite simply, the people already in their networks needed them.

Again, maybe I am not articulating this experience effectively – I find it incredibly difficult to do. I find it equally difficult to do without it sounding woe-is-me because actually, I don’t feel woe-is-me anymore, it all feels very matter-of-fact.

And thank God, the other day I had a Disconnected Connection with a guy in the library. It was fascinating and made everything, in that moment, very, very clear. Here goes:

I sat down at the computer in the library to use the internet. I didn’t really need to use the internet and I was becoming increasingly irritated because the computer stations were all very busy and noisy with people chatting. I am very sensitive to noise and other people’s ‘stuff’. So I took a breath. My computer then froze and I pondered for a while on having a tantrum and storming out, opting for politely asking the librarian to re-boot the PC instead. Something inside me told me that I was there for a reason. I had noticed the man sitting to the left of me, also using the internet, but had failed to make a connection. No matter, he made it for me.

“Not working?” The indie-styled man says to me as he glances at my re-booting computer.

“This library is shit. I hate it. But you get a whole free hour. It’ll be okay, she’s just re-booted it” I respond.

Long story short, we then began chatting. He told me that he had recently moved up from ‘Down South’ for work, anything that paid the bills, and that he was a musician. Then he said it. You know: IT. The words I have never before heard said from anyone else but myself:

“It seems like everyone has their own lives going on, creatively speaking, things going on, events and projects – but I’m not a part of it. It’s very hard to get involved”. My stuff creeping in here but he meant: ‘Included’.

It is very easy to get involved. I’m a pushy kinda guy, despite self-esteem being in my boots, I can easily push past that – but being included is very different from being involved and can be difficult – for some.

Why?

Because it’s not the right time.

This is what I mean by ‘everything, in that moment’ being ‘very, very clear’. As I sat beside him, listening to him mirror my own feelings and experiences I of course started to wonder if this apparent connection in the library with a fellow creative was the beginning of my tribe (as mentioned in ‘Disconnected Connections’). As our conversation deepened into politics, the job market, creative industries and the like my insecurities yelled: ‘Grab this new friend, quick!’

But no…

The timing isn’t right. How do I know this? Because it was a Disconnected Connection. That’s how.

Until Next Time, oh and did you know? This post is actually related to What Now Part 1 and Part 2?

Much Love,

Matt xx

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  1. Disconnected Connections Part 2 | Matt Chase, Author

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